Fairy Tales chords by Shelby Taylor

Tuning: Standard (E A D G B E)

G      Am7
Fairy tales that we all know
G     ch]Am7
    That we love but we’ve outgrown
    B  C    C G
I re-wrote some for adults like me and you


C7 A7 C7 A7

C7               A7
Once upon a time there was a girl named Cinderella
C7               A7
Her life was pretty good, but then her mother fell
C7             A7
on a family vacation right into the grand canyon (It was a tragedy)
 C7         A7
and shortly thereafter Dad married SHARON
C7              A7
Sharon was the textbook definition of a MILF
C7                        A7
I’m taking body like an hour glass and face like Marilyn
C7                          A7
She was sort of like the Ice Queen, if the Ice Queen was colder
C7                             A7
And she had twin girls who were conjoined at the shoulder
C7                       A7
These conjoined teenage twins had the worst attitudes
C7                            A7
but if that’s from their condition or their mom? no clue
C7          A7
So Cindy was essentially their indentured maid
C7          A7
Just cooking and cleaning day after day
C7                          A7
And she cleaned and she cleaned and she kept everything in order
C7                         A7
but she had to get out soon before she caught a charge for murder
C7                A7
and then one day she got a lightbulb in her head
C7              A7
and decided to start a cleaning company instead
C7                A7
she moved the fuck out on the day she turned 18
C7                     A7
and now she lives in the biggest house on the same street
C7                       A7
as her Father, Sharon and her two conjoined daughters
C7                        A7*
and every day they see her house and cry ‘cause theirs is smaller
C7           A7
and did Cindy go and marry a prince? Not quite.
C7           A7
but she did settle down with the love of her life.
C7                              A7
She lives with her wife Heather and their cat named Dave
C7                            A7*
And a whole bunch of mice who are their teeny tiny slaves
G

The moral of the story is all about feelings.
G
I know things like love and honesty are really appealing
G
But is love the most powerful emotion? Not quite.
G                                        A7
The most powerful emotion in the world is spite.
(Fuck you, SHARON!)
Chorus:
C                    A7
When Prince Charming kissed Snow White
C7                   C
the dwarves beat him up and called the cops
C              A7
When the Prince kissed Sleeping Beauty
C7             C
the dragon beat him up and called the cops (As she should)
G    The Moral of these stories are really really simple
G
If you see a girl’s asleep and your first move is to kiss her
C7         C
someone should beat you up and call the cops
G
and you’ll deserve it
G
Because that’s….(Literally assault)
G                  G
Hans Christian Anderson and The Brother’s Grimm
G               G
Wrote these stories in the 17 and 1800s
G         G
That was before women had rights
G        G      A7
But it’s 2020 now and that shit doesn’t fly now
(So don’t fucking do that.)
C7                  A7
Once upon a time there was a little mermaid
C7                       A7
A princess, but she didn’t like being half fish
C7                     A7
so one day she ran away from her pampered life
      C7          A7
and signed a contract with the evil sea witch
C7                                    A7
the deal was really simple, the sea witch took her voice
C7                A7
and her goal was really easy- impress a boy
C7                A7
So she washed up on the shore, found a stick
C7                      A7
and just wrote “fuck me” in the sand, and that did the trick
C7                    A7
Now she’s married and she has two kids and a dog
C7                    A7*
And the moral of the story: work smart, not hard.
C7             A7
Once upon a time there was a puppet named Pinocchio
C7                    A7
And every time he told a lie his nose would grow and grow and grow
C7                      A7
Thought it was a weakness then he learned to embrace it
C7                      A7
When one night a girl from college sat down on his face and
C7                   A7
She said, “Am I heavy?” and he said “Um…No?”
A7
and she said “Oh oh ohh ohh ohhhhh”
C7                  A7
He served as the prototype for his own line of sex toys
C7                  A7
a brand new brand of vibrator called “the real boy”
C7                   A7
the moral of the story is your flaws can be your strengths
C7                         A7*
He just lied and told the truth until the Blue Fairy came
C7                A7
One of Old Macdonald’s ducks laid three eggs
C7                   A7
Two cute little ducklings and a third one named Meg
C7                    A7
the thing about Meg is she was really really ugly
C7                    A7*
so the whole entire farm called her “The Ugly Duckling”
C7                     A7
She waited for the day when she’d turn into a swan
C7                           A7
    And that day never came, but as time went on
C7                        A7
She grew into a slightly below average looking duck
C7                         A7
    Not at all attractive but not ugly as fuck
G
and even though she isn’t pretty she found out that she was funny
G
Now she writes for a huge sitcom out in the big city
G                                                       G  A7                                          G
The moral of the story: It’s okay to be ugly, under one condition: Be funny.


C                 A7
What could we learn from Rapunzel?
C7                        C
Sometimes all you need is a really drastic haircut
C                    A7
and Beauty and The Beast could teach us all
C7                                          C
Kidnapping is still kidnapping- even if your kidnapper’s rich and tall
G
G    And when all of the furniture starts talking to you
G
Just be aware that that's not normal even if they’re nice to you
C7                       C
You’ve got Stockholm Syndrome you’re not in love
G
and who in GOD’S NAME
G
Names their kid RUMPLESTILTSKIN, DUDE??!?!?
G                                      G
Hans Christian Anderson and The Brother’s Grimm’s
G                            G
Goal was to scare the bad behavior out of children
G                       G
    Personally, I don’t think that it worked
    G              G         A7
    Because I take a look around and I see a lot of dirtbags(oh well!)
G    Am7
Fairy Tales gave me false hope
G Am7
And I know I’m not alone
    B C C      G
Be a decent person and you’ll turn out fine